Writing this at church!
Seems to be everywhere I go. Not necessarily true, but it feels like it.
I know I don’t make it easy for people. So many fears and anxieties.
I can’t approach people and from what I’ve been told, I am unapproachable the way I act.
I want to do things and talk to people but I can’t put myself ‘out there’. People say ‘just go and do this’, ‘write a script’, ‘things will be okay if you just do it’.
I don’t know what ‘it’ is or how to do ‘it’.
Who is there to be along side to teach me or support me?
I’ve been at this church for over 1.5 years. I like it. It seems friendly but they don’t get autism.
Understandable, since most people don’t.
They have some ministries that I know of. Others, I don’t.
I might like to be involved, but I don’t know how or who to talk to about what there is that I have the ability to do.
Sometimes, I am jealous of the deaf attendees. It is wrong that I feel this way, I know. It is hard because they have interpreters.
I’m not deaf but I do need a type of interpreter, just not the same type. I need someone to interpret the social and communication aspects of church and life in general.
I sit in the top back corner of the balcony because I don’t like people behind me. I need to find a suitable seat downstairs in the sanctuary though due to my physical issues. I get worried going down the stairs after sitting so long, I'm stiff and more clumsy than normal. I can’t just walk into the sanctuary and search out the perfect chair for me. I either need someone with me or to be there super early and alone to do it.
Now that summer vacation is over, the service is fuller and someone will have to sit beside me. For some reason though, it was not full this week. Bonus for me! We are going to two services in October though, so I will have to deal with that change and which to go to. It won’t really matter since I have no relationships there really except one anyway.
What will the person who sits beside me think when they see me drawing, writing, or playing with my fidget toy? They shouldn’t think anything of it, but most people do (see we do have theory of mind!).
It takes a lot for me to come to church alone every week with no one to talk to or joke with. I’m sure there are others like me here, hidden in the multitude of people interacting with one another.
It is not just a problem at church. It happens everywhere I go. I’m on the outside and don’t know how to get in.
Maybe one day, I will have the key!