Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Anxious As Usual

So many awful feelings so often.

I do not have the ‘happy’ emotion, or maybe I do and don't know it. Probably not though.

I always have a full spectrum of anxious to panic attack.

I so badly want to be able to talk to people and go out and do things but anxiety holds me back.

I get asked if there are times when I am not anxious, like when I am riding or doing something else I like. No, there is not a time when I am not anxious. When I'm on the horse, I may not be worried about my usual things, but there are other worries:  Other riders. What if I fall? What if the horse falls?  Indoors or out?  So many things to worry about!

At times, the anxiety is so bad it becomes like a depression, it can get worse from there, and I can get suicidal thoughts. Because I struggle so much with spoken communication, I don't say much when I go to the psychiatrist, social worker, or support group. Maybe one day, I will be able to try the horse therapy that Micah is doing.  She says it is helping, although I haven't noticed a difference other than when she is at her regular riding lesson. It is important that the improvements carry over to the rest of her life.

I find that because I have constant low/mid-level anxiety, the slightest thing will make it worse.
Small changes in plans, cancellations, different locations. Most people can take those in stride but many of us Autistics struggle with change.

I really misunderstand prosody and other people's intentions so I constantly feel that people are mad at me or don't like me because I don't really know by the way they sound or look (I am also slightly face blind).  Sometimes, people just say or write things, which don’t really seem to me to be a reason, or I just never hear back from them. They can say they are not mad or that they like me, but how do I know it's true?  People lie all the time. I get very anxious when I get disappointed about something, wondering what I did wrong to cause whatever was supposed to happen not to happen-like having a meeting set up with someone and then it not happening.

Many times, I wonder what's wrong with me. 

Both my husband and my daughter (and probably many other people) get frustrated trying to explain things to me. Many times, I feel dumb when I'm around other people.

I know so many people who have been diagnosed Autistic recently who seem so much more successful and able than me.

I’m aware that I don't really know what goes on in their lives and that they're probably not successful at everything but they seem to be able to do so much more than me.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to do anything?

Why do I feel like such a failure?

How can I help my daughter get over her anxiety and PTSD if I am such a failure at it myself?

As you can tell from my writing, things aren’t going well right now.  Some weeks are worse than others are.  Some days I ‘just am’, other days I have severe anxiety, and still other days I'm in between.

I have been like this most of my life. Will it always be like this? Probably. 

I don't know how long I can handle living like this, but I’ve managed to get through this many years so guess I will get through the rest my life.

It sucks!

Some days I don't know why I bother writing this blog. Does anybody actually read it?
I would hope there is something somewhere in one of my blog posts that could be helpful to somebody.  Obviously not this one though!

When things are this bad I have to wait it out. I know it will end eventually and the anxiety levels will go down a bit.  It's hard to get through it because sometimes it can take weeks and lots of tears.

I guess that’s it for now.  Hopefully the next post won’t be as bad.