Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Tired

So tired of things.
Tired of pain both physical and emotional.
Tired of food intolerances.  Celiac I can deal with, but all the others that constantly change suck.
Tired of not knowing who I am.
Tired of constant anxiety.  I've never known life without it.
Does happiness really exist?  People say it does, but I've never felt it.  I just 'am' or I'm so anxious I get depressed.
Sometimes I just wish I was a character in a book or on tv.  Sometimes they have happy endings and even when they don't the book or show ends so it's over. 
I have a husband and daughter but will I ever have a good friend?
Will I ever find something I can say I'm really good at--other than being very anxious?
I do anxious well.
Change is too hard.
I'm almost 42, will things ever get better if they haven't by now?
I survive each day and hope the next will be better.
I'm okay with being autistic.  It's who I am.
Some say that autistics are locked in their own world.  Not true.
It is anxiety that locks me in and won't let the real me out.  But I don't even know who the real me is because I'm am constantly scared to do anything.
Tears come regularly but nobody knows.
Other then being good at being anxious, I'm good at looking like everything is okay.
It's not.
Maybe one day it will be.